A Practical Guide to Being Yourself

"Just Be Yourself, Honey.

That line moved me to tears in the première screening of Love Punch, a British comedy with Emma Thompson at the Toronto Film Festival 2014. Just be yourself, Emma Thompson was telling her daughter as the ultimate parting advice before she drives off to college to start a new era of life.

Just Be Yourself. It sounds simple, sweet, grounding and reassuring. Right? But what does it mean to be yourself? How can you be anyone but yourself when you possess one mind, one body, and if you choose to believe (as I do), one unique beautiful soul?

Sure, you can be a lesser version of yourself or the absolute best version, and you can switch it up given different circumstances, but they are all variations of who you are and how you feel at the time.

There is no one way to be yourself. There are many ways. Your outward demeanour stems from your internal compass. So perhaps a better way to look at it is how to always be true to the best version of yourself.

Being true to (the best version of) yourself is not a one time event. It is a constant decision you make every day, or even every hour. Sometimes you make good decisions. Sometimes you learn. Sometimes you are true to yourself. Sometimes you betray your true self.

Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up, don’t berate yourself, and don’t forget that it takes courage to be true to who you are in a world that is in such a hurry to measure you up and judge you at every turn. But also know this: whoever you are, you have got that courage. You can agree or argue with me on that – that doesn’t change the fact that deep down, you can muster the courage to be your true self if you make up your mind to do so.

6 Examples of Not Being True to Who You Are
Let’s start by defining what it’s like not being true to yourself. If you can relate to these, then think about other similar behaviors you exhibit that are clear signs you are not being true to yourself.

1. Laughing at something that’s not funny just to be polite: We've all done it at least once, but the more you do it, the harder it becomes to be genuine, because you have to act along with all else that follows that fake laugh. There is a reason you don’t naturally find something amusing about someone and being insincere is not a pretty thing.

2. Complimenting someone when you don’t mean it: Don’t flaunt empty praise just to be liked. The hurt you inflict when the truth comes out is far worse than any good a fake compliment could bring about. Be silent instead and hold your compliments for what you find real praise-worthy. Be true to your likes and dislikes.

3. Lying about something just to please others: Why do this? Keep silent instead. Or disagree politely. Never lie. One lie leads to another and before you know it, you are in a web of lies, and can’t remember them all to keep everything straight.

4. Acting happy when you are miserable, or vice versa, among others: You are not that good an actor and sooner or later, you’ll get fed up and be your (angry frustrated) self! There is a better way. How about limiting people and activities that cause you misery and surrounding yourself with only the people who make you happy?

5. Hiding your true opinion for the sake of popularity: Fitting in – it’s the worse disease and it starts in high school and seems to never end. Let it go. Fit in yourself. Don’t fit into some box. If you think differently, then so be it. Sometimes your opinions are popular, sometimes they are radical, other times they are conservative. Forget what’s in vogue today. Be true to your own values.

6. Forcing yourself to do things you don’t like, saying things you don’t mean, and going places you don’t care to go, in a relationship: Enough said! If you are doing that in your relationship, then, well, stop. It’s time to move on. It really is that easy because staying guarantees your future misery.

Lying isn’t you. Pretending is not you either. Making up nonsense and hiding your true self, none of that is you. These is not stuff that make up your identity. Your true self is made up of beautiful qualities. You can choose to shine a light on them, or hide them, but you are made of good stuff regardless.

10 Signs that You ARE Being True to Yourself

1. You feel good. Simple and pure.
2. You feel comfortable in your own skin.
3. Your inner voice goes quiet and stops badgering you.
4. You manage situations easier – no need to keep track of lies and pretences.
5. You don’t have to think hard to act a part. You innately know how to be yourself.
6. You are not trying to impress anyone.
7. You are not worried about being judged or singled out.
8. Your muscles relax, you breathe easy.
9. You concentrate better on the task at hand.
10. You make confident decisions without second guessing your every move.

"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken"

~Oscar Wilde~

May I point out the irony here?
Being true to yourself is what your heart and soul yearn for. Being true to yourself is the only way to achieve inner peace. Being true to yourself sets you free and floods you with joy and happiness.

If given the choice, you would not want to abandon your true self to be someone else – you would feel lost and confused being anyone else but yourself, no matter how wealthy, how “lucky” or how popular they may be. Of course there is no way to prove this, so would you want to bet your happiness on something you can never have? Would you want to give up your own well of joy and bliss by pining after an empty desire?

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Want To Be Happier? 10 Questions To Ask Yourself Right Now

How to boost your mood, STAT.

Think fast: Are you happy? If not, there’s some good news: According to Elizabeth R. Lombardo PhD, happiness—just like a new sport—is a skill that can be mastered. The author of Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love and TEDxTalk presenter shares her 10 (quick!) check-ins that can help you flex your happiness muscle. Ask yourself these questions today and walk away with long-lasting, mood-boosting strategies and a new POV, just in time for the weekend. (Good timing, no?)





What do I admire in others?
What you admire in others is an indication of what you value in yourself. When you apply your values into your life, the result is greater happiness.

How can I move more?
Exercise reduces stress hormones. And here’s the good news: There’s no need to go to the gym for an hour a day; any type of movement is beneficial. For an even greater mood boost, exercise outdoors in the fresh air.

Who do I care about?
So often, we put our relationships on the back burner so we can focus on work, but spending time with people (especially happy people) can help us experience more joy.

What do I appreciate?
Gratitude is one of the quickest and most effective ways of boosting your happiness. Take time to identify who and what you appreciate.

Do I want to be right or happy?
When you interact with others, do you focus more on being right or enjoying your time together? The latter will help you be happier.

Am I more motivated by fear or passion?
Fear entails judgement, focusing on what’s wrong, resentment, anger, guilt and shame. Passion, on the other hand, is based on optimism, empowerment, gratitude and a deep desire to focus on what you want to create to make things even better. Try to start each day and task from a place of passion rather than fear.

Am I a perfectionist?
Being a perfectionist can significantly deplete your happiness. While the motivation behind your mindset is positive (to achieve excellence), perfectionism is riddled with harsh judgment for yourself and others.

Do I positively impact others?
When you volunteer, or even just hold the door open for someone, you feel a sense of connection and contribution. The key is not to go overboard by focusing only on other people’s needs and failing to address your own.

How can I incorporate more quality down time?
An important part of being happy is taking time to decompress. And this doesn’t mean you spend an hour each night on Facebook. Meditation is a great way to calm your mind as is getting quality sleep.

Where am I directing my focus?
So often, we are focusing on the past in a state of regret or worrying about the future, both of which can deplete our happiness levels. Try being more present. And when you do think about the past, forgive what took place and use tough experiences as learning opportunities. When thinking about the future, focus on what you want to have happen.

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Determine What Will Make You Happy by Identifying Your Values

“Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one’s values.” 

~Ayn Rand

For too many years, I played the part of the perfect little southern girl: I kept my mouth shut and my opinions to myself. I dressed properly, including tights, slips, and girdles. I didn't laugh too loudly in public. I did what I was told.

You see, I learned at an early age that I had to do this in order to always be seen as a “good little girl” (and avoid getting punished). I continued the same behaviour after I got married, doing what my husband expected of me and keeping up the appearances of a perfect life behind a white picket fence.

I was a mental and emotional chameleon, changing my viewpoints and values to match first those of my parents and then those of my husband. Secretly, inside myself, I had my own dreams and opinions, ideas, and desires. Eventually I realized that in order to be happy, I needed to learn to live outside the box of my upbringing.

When I began to explore my heart’s desires, to find myself through travel, and to see what felt right and wrong to my heart and soul, my life blossomed. I had finally begun creating a life that I loved on my own terms.  

Last fall, one of my mentors asked me, “What are your values?” I have to confess that I was stumped. Those on-the-surface questions are really much deeper than they first seem. I'm a coach. I'm a writer. I'm a thinker. It should be easy to answer.

From experience, I knew that if my first response to a question was “I don’t know,” then I was telling myself a little white lie. Somewhere within my heart was the answer, but I hadn't really explored it.

What Are Values?

We all have them—they are as ingrained within us as our blood types or preference for sweet or salty foods. But have you actually defined them? I'm not talking about morals, which are defined by society.

Values are who you are, not who you think you should be in order to fit in. 

How Do You Claim Your Values?

I've learned from experience that when we get still and listen to the small voice of our heart, the answers we are seeking will come to us. To claim your values, it’s helpful to have a list to work from.

Brainstorm a list of common (and uncommon) values like abundance, compassion, courage, health, and honour. Set them aside. (You can also do an Internet search for  “list of values” or “values clarification exercise.”)

After you have a list of values to choose from, set a timer for three minutes. Read through the list of values and circle every one that your gut says fits you. When the timer goes off, copy all the circled words down into a shiny new list.

This list will be the perfect place to really dig into what your heart tells you about which values are truly yours and cross out any of the values that feel like they belong to others. What a gift of clarity!

Why is Naming Your Values Important?

Values are the backbone of life. They are the beacons on our path—in personal life and in business. When you identify your values and get clear with them, something magical happens: They come alive in ways you haven’t even imagined and illuminate and nurture your entire life from the inside out.

If we don’t know what’s important to us, we spend a lot of time wandering and wondering what we should be doing. There is tremendous power in discovering and living according to our highest values, and experiencing inner peace as the natural consequence.

When actions and values are aligned, life feels content, in harmony with your purpose; you have peace of mind, even in challenging times.

Because, if you aren't clear on your personal values, then how can you figure out what you want really want? And how can you be sure that your actions are congruent with who you are at your core? 

I know it seems easier to just go with the flow and see where the current takes us. But going through the process to get clear about your values will allow you to walk the path of your true choosing and help guide you toward a satisfying, happy, and fulfilling life.

Time is a limited resource. Once we spend a day, it’s gone forever. If we waste that day by investing our time in ways that don’t set our soul on fire, then that loss is permanent. I get it. I often get distracted and fall into the trap of differing priorities.

Getting Clear on My Values Enhanced Every Day Living

When I took the time to get clear about what my personal values truly were, I had this incredible yardstick at hand to measure the congruency of my goals.

Passion is a driving force in every area of my world. If I am not passionate about my life, my projects, and each and every client I work with, then I am of no service to others or myself.

Love is a clearly a top value for me. I moved 1,000 miles from the place I used to call home to create a life with my partner in Ohio.

Because I value connection, I keep my client list small. And to blend both love and connection, I work from home and travel often with my partner so that we are together more often.

Clarity around my personal values also has assisted me in making decisions more quickly, and better yet, I've found a greater satisfaction around the decisions I make.

This has created a domino effect of goodness in my world. The values that led me to better decision making and satisfaction around those decisions led me along the path to greater confidence in myself, and an overall feeling of happiness around my day-to-day life.

As far as I'm concerned, happiness is not about perfect big events in life, but about the culmination of those small moments of every day living.

It also allowed me to see the insanity of trying to be the “good little girl” who pleases everyone. Because, what’s the sense in pleasing everyone if you sacrifice yourself in the pursuit?

What Will You Gain by Developing a List of Your Personal Values? 

Values serve as a compass so that, day after day, we’re moving closer and closer to our definition of the “best” life we could possibly live.

Once we've named our personal values, it’s easier to identify what’s not helping us achieve a life that we are in love with.

Your values are the building blocks of the type of life you truly want. They will serve as the light that illuminates your path in life. And by having that light, you will discover your way to happiness.

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The First Rule Of Success And Happiness

Every morning, as you open your eyes to see the light of another day, you should ask two simple questions: What am I doing today? Why am I doing it?

If you are happy with the answers you come up to both questions, get off the bed and enjoy the day. If you are struggling to find the right answers, close your eyes and go over the items on your “do” list a few times.

You may be surprised to discover that the reason you are unhappy is that your list of priorities is upside down. The top of the list may be filled with unimportant and trivial goals, while the important goals have been pushed down to the bottom of the list. Worse, the top of the list may be filled with the right goals — but not for you. For someone else who has been setting your agenda, while the goals that are important for you have been pushed down to the bottom of the list.

Is this what you really want?

Now is the time to open your eyes, see the light of the new day, and get your priorities right! That’s the first rule of success and happiness.

In a free society, the search for a successful and happy life—whatever set of goals it means to each and every one of us–is an innate pursuit. But resources and energies are limited. Different goals cannot be pursued at the same time. They must be carefully prioritized: the goal to be pursued first; the goal to be pursued second, and so on.


And that takes, first and foremost, the freedom in the broadest sense – political, economic, social, and personal – to live your own life rather than somebody else’s.


Then comes a careful consideration of the trade-offs, the sacrifice that comes with each and every choice.

The pursuit of a business opportunity comes with the sacrifice of a steady pay-check and a good sum out of any pocket money to acquire the necessary resources.

The pursuit of a college degree comes with the sacrifice of a full-time job and a good sum out of any pocket money to pay for tuition and books.

The pursuit of a career comes with the sacrifice of the time you could spend with your loved ones.

The pursuit of a marriage comes with the sacrifice of all the good things you could enjoy when single.

The pursuit of speculative investments comes with the sacrifice of the piece of mind that derived from money in the bank.

Addressing these trade-offs and coming up with a list of priorities worth pursuing isn’t an easy thing. It takes vision and foresight to rise over the hills of the present and gaze at the future and see the invisible – the challenges the future presents. Ie, to see the things that are important in each and every stage of your life, and the challenges the future brings your way.

Do you want to see yourself working for someone else and collecting a steady paycheck a few years down the road, or you want to have your own business?

Do you want to see yourself working with your hands or your mind?

Do you see yourself married or single?

Obviously, there are no universal answers to these questions. Some people will choose the former over the latter, while others will choose the later over the former.This means that success and happiness depend on what kind of life each individual wants to live, and whether that individual is prepared to stand the consequences of his or her choices.

People who do not want to make the sacrifices associated with college education, for instance, must be prepared to forgo the job opportunities and the benefits associated with jobs that set a college degree as a prerequisite.

Likewise, people who aren’t prepared to assume the risks associated with the pursuit of a business must be prepared to forgo the benefits that come with financial independence.

In short, getting priorities right is a mater of basic economics and basic philosophy.

Economics sets the objective parameters of the choices we make. It explains and estimates the sacrifices we make when we chose to pursue one goal over another.  Philosophy sets the subjective parameters of choice and explains why each goal deserves to be on our “do list,” and whether the sacrifices involved are worth making.



Really interesting article, hope you enjoyed it just as much as I did!
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